Sunday, 15 September 2002 By CorrespondentImagine the last rays of the sun striking the bare outline of the sphinxes head. Its nose removed under the orders of Napoleon because of the revealing Negroid shape.
Xenox News is here with perhaps the biggest story of the millenium. The truth about the great pyramids of Gaza. For the last six years a secret band of mystic archaeologists have been excavating in both the real and unreal worlds which surround these imposing monuments. And at last we are able to release their findings.
Leading this band of intrepid explorers was the famed psychic explorer and talk show guest, Frank Funecello.
“One night our group gathered for our routine evening meditation at Abdul’s Bar and Grill. Suddenly we connected to a spirit guide based in the astral plane just above the dunny. He revealed to us that the pyramids were actually built by an ancient and noble race of Negroes!”
The spirit guide was named Otis the Omnipotent. From the groups talk with him it was revealed that these people had built the pyramid using secret magnetic techniques, similar to that used by that crazy Latvian bastard who built a garden of stone for his sweetheart in Florida in the 1920s. The ancient design was used as an energy focusser by powerful priests within their society; for all sorts of reasons (“…from worship to wanking” was what the great Otis said).
Of astounding interest is the fact that Otis said that these people would return once again to rule over the civilised world! “They’ll be back in at least a millenium” said the great Otis.
Floating down the Nile…
Step off your boat. Reach the shore, a golden evenings sunset fills your eyes. Oh! The wonders of this land of the ancients.
Feel either a dampness in your pants or a sticking out in front. Gaze you fucker, gaze at the living message left us by that impossible civilisation of thousands of years ago.
The sex those people had with aliens! Bare assed consecration of these ancient wonders. Priests wielding all power through their erected shafts! The erratic movement of the alien craft. And then, flatulent relief from your lunch meal of dried fruits.
And look close. There, on the side of the pyramid next to the pair of compasses, the splash marks of the ejaculations of extra-terrestrials.
Oh! To drink their bodily secretions! (And to kiss their soft pink asses!)
But back to the land of the living you must go, back to the boats misters and misses your 5 minutes is up! Get back on and head north to that open sewer they call Cairo. Where your mornings rest is interrupted by the mullahs calling the faithful to prayer. You lean out the window and tell the motherfucker to put a cork in it.
First things as you awake in Cairo:
Smell – last nights turds.
Noise – Squealing boys placing testicles in pliers.
See – nothing but the light.