Extend your lifespan...breath less

Wednesday, 31 May 2023 By XenoxNews Science Desk

Well, here is a cracker for you. Some Poindexters have discovered that if you reduce your oxygen intake you can live longer. Indeed, their mice were able to live on average 50% longer if they reduced their Oxygen intake. Seems a bit counter-intuitive, but let's look behind the data to see what's really going on...

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In the past we sacrificed children to this fella to live longer...

Yes, that's right. Some white-coated fools from Harvard would have you believe that if you have less Oxygen you will live longer. To prove it they got some genetically manipulated mice that normally die earlier than usual, and compared reducing the atmospheric Oxygen level from 21% (normal Sea-level concentration) to 11% (hypoxia). And lo and behold, the mice getting less Oxygen lived longer. 50% longer.

Well I'll fucking be!

This result has scientists scrambling around the World to replicate and follow up on these studies. Some are pegging their noses and only breathing through their mouth to lower their Oxygen level. Others are encasing their heads in plastic or cardboard (is that you Boxhead?) to reduce their Oxygen intake. Don't be shocked to see your local Dr Frankenstein, red-faced and struggling, as they hypoxia themselves to get a little edge on life that you and me won't be getting.

Those greedy bastards!

The Harvard Poindexters point out that this Oxygen starvation works just as well as Caloric Reduction when it comes to extending the lifespan. Well I dunno, seems a bit of a hard sell to say that to live longer you got to breath less and starve yourself.

Couldn't they just come up with a fucking pill or something?

 Oh no. That would be too much work for these arseholes. Already well planted on the Government Teat, they are happy torturing mice rather than slaving in the lab themselves to come up with an easier way for us Johnnys and Johnettes to live a bit longer. In fact I reckon it is all nonsense. Anyone with a Photoshop account can be a scientist nowadays. More than likely this poppycock was made up.

Look, if you want to live longer I say you would be better off sticking to the tried and tested measures of the past. Good vittles. Love and kissing. A healthy and settled home. And imbibing the blood of teenage virgins.

It worked then, and surely it will work now.

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I'll have what his having!

Offend-o-Meter: 5 / 5

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