Created: Monday, 30 November 2009
Written by Max Gross
Raving reporter Max Gross dusts off the banana lounge, packs the ice bucket with coldies, and sits back to enjoy the spectacle of neo-con cannibals devouring one another
A year out from the next federal poll, Australia’s feral right-wing Liberal-National Party coalition still can’t believe it is not the Government.
After more than a decade of mendacity, scaremongering, bear-baiting, duck-shoving, arse-sniffing, god-bothering and pork-barrelling, these conservative, increasingly extremist “born-to-rule” ratbags were given the boot in the 2007 elections with their Supreme Leader, John W. Howard Horror losing not only his Prime Ministership but also his electoral seat in a historic defeat that saw the job pass to an obscure little pencil necked former diplomat named Kevin Rudd.
The LibNats immediately turned on one another like starved sharks in a feeding frenzy the like of which has not been seen in this country since the great Labor split of 1955.
Now, the LibNats have decided the best way to return to office is to shove skyrockets up their arses, rub mustard into their eyeballs, set themselves on fire and run screaming off a cliff.
Rudd’s “Labor” Government can’t believe its luck.
A Liberal Party that is anything but liberal. A National Party that has no base outside a few rural bog-holes.
This is the coalition-of-the-wanking that held Australia prisoner between 1996 and 2007. Neither party could survive on its own.
And now we are witnessing truly mindless self-destruction, not only the last gasp of a scrofulous mixed marriage, but also the possible demise of one of Australia’s two major parties as the Liberals implode, all but guaranteeing a decade of federal Labor rule under a Labor Party that has forgotten its blue-collar roots and now panders to Big Business at the expense of the underprivileged, the marginalised and the working men and women of Australia.
Sure, we didn’t vote Rudd in, we voted Howard out, but the tragic truth for Australia is that the Mendacious Midget spent a decade leading the Liberals further and further to the extreme right, leaving Labor to occupy the vacated right-of-centre. And they moved right on in.
I mean, really, who needs a Liberal Party with Labor acting the part so well?
Folks, there IS no Australian Labor Party.
We got rid of John Howard’s neo-conservative plutocracy but we also lost Labor’s socially responsible heart. So where the bloody hell is it?
Somewhere in the scorched earth that remained after the conservative coup of 1975, Labor’s charred heart lay faintly beating, neglected by one Labor leader after another, until, at last, we found ourselves with an unrecognisable Labor Party, a party more akin to the Liberals of a bygone era, more in tune with corporate lobby groups than community groups, too timid to fly the southern cross of the Eureka flag that is Australia’s true national emblem, too eager to gain office by sacrificing core principles.
And what has finally brought the neo-con Libs to ruin? Hot air!
Rudd’s response to the threat of global warming is a so-called Emissions Trading Scheme (ETS), a policy so weak that it will have no impact on reducing climate change but will, like the response here and in the USA to Wall Street’s Global Financial Clusterfuck, provide more corporate welfare designed to ensure business-as-usual.
The status quo has nothing to fear, despite the wailing, gnashing of teeth and outright threats of sabotage by the dinosaurs in charge of the lucrative fossil fuel industry.
In fact, the scheme is even weaker than the one the Lying Rodent was dragged kicking and screaming into supporting prior to the last election. It’s a scheme the LibNats had vowed to support, before outrageously somersaulting and demanding an even more watered-down policy, with more, bigger “compensation” pay-outs to the nation’s biggest polluters. And then, as negotiations were under way, the buggers threatened not to support the legislation even if all their demands were met.
Now, folks, the Liberal Party is fracturing along a fault line that was always there between the so-called conservative “moderates” and those whom we here at Xenox News like to call raving fucking nut-jobs.
And folks, there’s quite a sackful of rattlesnakes and dumbbells being kicked around out there as shadow ministers and senior suck holes quit the Coalition Cabinet to attack their own leader.
The Mad Monk, Mangy Minchin, Creepy Jesus, Sophie Murderbella, Joe Airhead… the rancid flotsam and jetsam of the Howard Era/Error.
Jesus on a stick! Even the Lying Rodent poked his gnarly old snout from his blue-ribbon Sydney rat hole to provide “advice” to the traitors in the party he all but single-handedly destroyed with his raging ego, narrow vision and boiling extremism.
At least the former Lib Treasurer, Petulant Pete Costello, having napped on the backbench and cock-teased the media and his constituency for almost two years, finally decided to quit Parliament, slink away and lick his tiny shrivelled testicles in the comfort of his tax-payer funded retirement.
Ah, Pete, we would have loved to see you draw your pistol, if only to confirm you’re armed with blanks.
And there, regally demanding the passing of the ETS bill and standing astride the smouldering wreckage of the party of privilege and god-given power, current Liberal “leader” Malcolm Turnbullshit confronts the traitorous orcs that are his colleagues.
Gandalf in Gucci?
I won’t twist the crude analogy by casting jovial Joe Hockey as the Balrog, but you get the idea.
As one of his own foul rank and file neatly described Turnbull’s turn at the Lib leadership: he came, he saw, he went.
The blood is on the floor, the walls and the ceiling. It’s like a scene from a Tarantino movie, complete with expletives retained. And by god the last man standing will find it slippery as hell underfoot.
Did Rudd expect this gob smacking bonus?
Did he envisage the stampede of flat-Earthers in the Opposition ranks and plan the brutal demise of the LibNat coalition all along?
Did the power-starved LibNats simply take the bait, hook, line and sinker that the Labor Government cunningly tossed them?
Cunning? Or Chaos Theory?
Anyway, the current fracas in the media spotlight featuring right-wing Liberals and extreme right-wing Liberals foaming at the mouth, shooting themselves in the foot and head-butting one another is a god-send for Labor, struggling as it is to live up to the expectations of an bruised electorate sick to death of spin, sloganeering and political opportunism trumping genuine democratic progress.
As I write, a leadership spill is on the cards for tomorrow - December 1 2009 - and the mug punters of Australia are pointing to another execution in the conservative camp as jovial Joe Hockey, the current Shadow Treasurer, shirt-fronts Mal the North Shore Knob, the current Lib leader, for the glorious prize of He Who Will Lead the Liberals to Slaughter at the Next Federal Election.
One thing is certain, no matter who emerges victorious from the coming Liberal Circus Maximus, the only real winner will be… Kevin Rudd PM.
This was Max Gross, taking a break, popping a tinny, and betting on blue bloodshed.