Money

AUSSIE WANKERS FURIOUS - NO BUDGET HANDOUT FOR THEM!

Created: Wednesday, 10 May 2006
Written by Stiffed Reporter
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Australia's masturbators are fuming today after Treasure Costello's 11th budget failed to deliver any goodies for them.


Despite handing out bucket loads of cash to every other important constituency, Costello failed to honor an election pledge to wipe off the GST on tissues so those who wipe themselves off could do it cheaper.

Read more: AUSSIE WANKERS FURIOUS - NO BUDGET HANDOUT FOR THEM!

Of Power, and what to do about it.

Created: Monday, 30 December 2013
Written by Economic Terrorist
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school teacher

The rules of the world 'Economy' are a textbook written by crooks for a class of idiots...

 

With some ridiculous 'New Ideal for Living' being paraded almost every day is it time for the average person to take his bat and ball and go home?

For those grappling with the ways of living nowadays the desperate rage of the self, stuck with less but always with that indispensable need to have more, appears never ending. Seems that there is always some new castle in the sky being touted, one you can only reach by running your life like a small businessman. But in this marketplace of the mind what you want is not what you get.

 

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We are all in competition; it's the one thing that is sinful.

 

The pricks in charge continually claim there is some irrefutable economic law behind their rules. It's bullshit. Economics is politics bitch; always has been, always will.

How to get the political whip hand and change these ‘rules of economics’? Supposedly we vote to make a difference, but look at the choices allowed. They make no difference at all.

The only thing power responds to is power. Once the price of bread was too high in Paris and its citizens took matters into their own hands. Are any of us ready to do the same now?

 

Paying the Staff What They Deserve

Created: Wednesday, 04 December 2013
Written by Your Fat Boss
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Today's Boss is a tough task master with a heart of gold. He maybe a hardnosed business man but always has time to give a non-paying helping hand to those that deserve it…

 

 

Here he is, in his own words:

"I am indulging in a new paradigm of labour relations. It is about sorting the wheat from the chaff.

I don’t pay them at the start because it is only from my good graces they even get a chance.

 

small our staff

First rule. Educate your staff

 

Do you know how hard it is to run a business nowadays?

I like to tell my people you only get what you deserve; what you put in. If you don’t put in you don’t get out. It is really that simple.

 

capitalism offers all possibilities

 

The glittering prize at the end of the myriad possibilities of Capitalism is only available to those honest enough to do the hard work needed.

 

You only have to look at those PIGS countries to know the score; you can’t tax businesses until they are out of business!

I see myself as a fair boss. But I can only go so far, and how far is really dictated by the forces of the market.

 

 before light

Today's worker should be trained to respond to the needs of your business...

 

You know I worked hard to get where I am. And my father worked hard to give me the start at the best schools I needed .

 

 after light

... Immediately.

 

Politics at work? It only leads to bad blood and disruption. That’s why I banned unions at my place.

I never look too far ahead, but I reckon with the right conditions and the removal of the red&green tape that's choking my business, the future is looking bright for us all."

 

CHANNEL 9 BANKRUPT? XENOXNEWS.COM MAKES AN OFFER!

Created: Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Written by Tex Lumbago
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The television station synonymous with Australia is broke.

 

It seems that ever since former owner Kerry Packer carked it Australia's number one TV station has been run by clowns and charlatans who couldn’t organise a piss up in brewery. Previously it was easy; they could rely on TV shows that fed off the limp dicked patriotism of modern day Australia to make money. But now the new media landscape has confused the idiots in charge so much that the station is about to go belly up and the vultures are circling.

 

So before the receivers get their filthy little mitts on her, XenoxNews.com is willing to purchase this moribund media flagship of the nation and get her back on her feet again and in your living room.

 

Our bid? $2.50.

 

Well it’s more than what we offered Rupert for his clapped out newspapers…

 

So, what are our plans to make Channel 9 profitable again? Well, as you will see, they will have the younguns dropping their iPods and will drag the oldies away from their internet porn.

 

ossie_jpg

Bestiality to improve ratings and profitability? Yes. XenoxNews.com will try anything!

First up, we plan to resurrect that classic show ‘Hey Hey it’s Saturday’. But this time we will do things a little differently... Expect to see Daryl hosting the show hoisted above the Yarra River and naked as the day he was born, while Ossie will be fucked up his ostrich arse by a coterie of AFL footballers.

 

It will be a Variety Show for the 21st Century!

 

Next we will save money by merging two of the current flagship programs; A Current Affair and Big Brother. Expect a reality news show where we won’t let truth or the libel laws stand in the way.

 

bearded_bastards

On the new Big Current Affair Brother this week: Catholics vs Muslims. Who will win?

 

We will have important figures such as Archbishop Pell locked up in the house for a weekend with members of the Taliban. They will discuss the finer points of their respective religions while being poked by tasers controlled by you the viewer.

It will be like a replay of the Crusades with no holds barred!

 

And finally, we’re going to dig up Gra Gra again and give him his own show.

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Back from the grave and on the new XenoxNews.com Channel 9!

 

Cause let’s face it; he was the only decent thing that shit TV channel ever had.

 

Tex Lumbago,

Editor-in-Chief

XenoxNews.com

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND MY SHARES IN GOLDMAN SACHS

Created: Saturday, 18 February 2012
Written by Jesus Beelzebub
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XenoxNews.com offer to buy ‘The Sun’

Created: Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Written by Tex Lumbago
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Official statement from XenoxNews.com chief Tex Lumbago:

 

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‘Poor old Rupert, besides being married to a Chinese harpy and having children with brains the size of peas, is now going to hell and back trying to keep his beloved UK Tabloid ‘The Sun’ intact. Like all good newspapermen, I have a soft spot for this Pommy rag. After all it gave us classic headlines like ‘Bomb the Argies’, ‘Put Britain under Margaret’s Thatch Roof!’, and the classic ‘It was The Sun wot won it’. And who can forget that journalistic innovation; the Page 3 girl.

 

 

 

But it seems that The Sun’s wicked ways have finally caught up with it. Dear old Rupe now faces a choice, keep supporting this misbegotten rag and face possible criminal investigations in the US, or sell it immeadiately and get out while he can. Rupert I’m here to tell you that you should take the last option; and pass this fish&chip wrapper on to someone who cares about it. And I can assure you that with XenoxNews.com you’ll find no one who cares better. We can climb aboard this old tart and stir her back to life and on to a bigger and brighter future.

 

Our price? One Aussie Dollar.

 

Rupe, in your heart you know you won’t get a better deal. Only XenoxNews.com can rebuild your rag into something befitting its former glories. We have the Page 3 girls. We have the disheveled and drunken journos. We will put ‘The Sun’ back up where she belongs…

 

Shining out her owners arse!'

 

sun_shine_arse

 

Tex Lumbago,

Editor-in-Chief

XenoxNews.com

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